after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Someone came in the potted fern
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
