dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
