I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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