I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
