just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
