It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My feet surprised me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
