My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
