she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
