I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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