I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize