Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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