Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
