The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
