I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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