I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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