Just took my morning after pill in the library
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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