living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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