I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
