and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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