Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
