When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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