My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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