Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
