Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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