When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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