I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
