and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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