I'd wear matching sweaters with you
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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