Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The adults are the big ones right?
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