he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize