6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize