I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
