my phone needs a breathalizer
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
