I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
