i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
