Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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