I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You can't special order awesome
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
