Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize