I must be too annoying 4 u.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
