The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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