Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
