that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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