I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I want to make a zoo with you.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
