you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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