Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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