As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
