My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
