Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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