her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
