I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
