so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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