would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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