grandma shit on top of the toilet
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize