Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Is it penis luge time yet?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
