dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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