Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
