There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize