I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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