i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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