So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
