just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
