Three words: puerto rican gang bang
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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