why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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