Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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