He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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