my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize