I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
