I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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